Last night, I had an emotional breakdown. I’m not talking about crying for no reason. I am talking full blown, sobbing with tears and snot running down your face. At first, I didn’t know what caused it but the more I thought about it, all these emotions and thoughts came to the surface. Now that I have had the time to calm down, I am going to try and get it all out here. I debated on whether or not to post this (is this something I want to remember) but thought why not.
I guess it all started last week after my doctor’s appointment. I gained a lot of weight in 4 weeks and of course the doctor mentioned it. I know most of the weight is in my feet and legs due to water retention. But it still hurts to see a number that you swore you would never see. So it got me thinking: am I doing everything that I am supposed to? Am I eating right? Am I pigging out to much? Am I using this pregnancy as an excuse to do and eat whatever I want? And the more I thought about it, the more honest I became with myself. No, I am not eating right. Yes, I occasionally pig out to much. Yes, I am using this pregnancy as an excuse, not just in my eating habits but in my daily life. The more honest I became with myself, the more it hurt and the more emotions it brought up.
I have been pushing these thoughts into the back of my mind until last night. I was laying on the couch (as usual) trying to decide what to have for a snack. I was hungry. But I had these looming thoughts in my head that I shouldn’t have a snack. That I had enough for the day. But I was hungry, what was I going to do. So there came another set of emotions. On the one hand, I was hungry and I knew it wasn’t good for Gus if I didn’t eat. On the other, I didn’t want to just shove food in my mouth for the sake of it. And now more feelings. What if I haven’t done all I could to keep this baby healthy? What if something’s wrong and I could have done something to prevent it? What if? What if? What if?
At this point, I am a sobbing idiot. I know a lot of these questions and feelings are irrational. I know that now but I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head. So finally I told Mike how I was feeling. He started asking questions and wouldn’t you know it, more doubts come up. What if I can’t do this whole Mom thing? What if I can’t have this baby (this is the #1 fear in my head right now)? What if I do something wrong? He reassured me that I can do this. We can do this. I am glad that one of us is confident. At this point, I am not so sure.
Needless to say, I still have a lot of these thoughts swimming in my head this morning but I feel somewhat better. I did make it through this whole posting without crying. I would say that’s a pretty good start. I am sure that these feelings are natural at this point but why did they all have to come out at the same time? A girl can only take so much!
To those who took the time to read this whole long rambling, I thank you. And maybe there is someone out there who feels the same way and can have some reassurance that they are not alone. Or maybe it’s just me. I apologize if this has brought your down or worse made you cry. I promise my next post will be lighthearted and funny. But for now, I offer you a tissue.